You born in the same family, you grow up together and you nurture in the same way... that can make you enemies or real friends...depends on those who were in charge...

You have experienced a life time and You have endless memories together, some are happy some sad...but that's what makes this relation reliable because you have seen each other in different situations and you know how to act, what to do or not to do, to bring comfort for the other...so make it the way they want till sadness storm calms and comes to an end.

there are too many happy memories and some few sad ones...It's clear that the happy moments are important but what makes this bond strong is the sadness you have overcome together...

and when you become adults, you may have reached to a point to leave each other and live with another one but sisterhood and brotherhood are places that one can always come back to and be safe and trusted...

to all who have felt the same way in their life...

brother and sister for life...

Reza

Well, there are things in their eyes, different things. I don't know why but it's now in history if I remember a time I looked in the depth of anybody's eyes.

I always look at the face in general and then I go for the body. I feel like I'm losing my human Part and the animal inside is roaring and wants to rip me apart and come out.

Lust maybe is the trigger, but...  well let's forget about this... It's not what I want to say.
Their eyes....  they can be kind, ugly, sad, angry, surprised, shy and lonely. I remember all these eyes but I don't remember the time I stopped looking at them. Am I afraid of my own eyes to be read or maybe I'm afraid of seeing the truth in their eyes. Do you think if I've known the answer I would write about it?!

The fear of being unpleasant and unwanted, I've tried so hard to not look straight in their eyes and now I think I've lost the way. deep inside I like those eyes and the feeling you get from them...

I can look directly to the sun without the fear of blindness, but then maybe with putting such an intense feeling into looking the sun, I make her uncomfortable. maybe she starts imagining things about me and sets before its correct time. who knows?!!

The fear of misunderstandings while staring at them. I want my stares back, I want a world without misunderstandings where I can see the beauties for hours without becoming uneasy or make them so and be an annoying.

I want my world back where those looks weren't forbidden . . .I want it back.

 
Reza and his loneliness

Everything seems constant. I feel like I'm clinched to the wall of eternity of  " hey you have to be there and no more talks."
That's the fate of the universe or something like that I think. Nothing's moving forward or backward where I'm standing and it's really give you a dull feeling. A nothingness that you want to ignore but it's in the air you're breathing and it's lemon-like taste is teasing you.

Bitch........... the issue is hard to explain. I'm not saying it's bad or anything. It's just It's not like me anymore. I'm going through things I don't want to and I don't like to but it seems it's what people call living. Maybe I was some dead thing that I haven't seen it all these years.

Now the boss is talking and you need sympathy but actually he is saying : " that's how life is and the sons will endure for the mistake of the father. have you forgotten your oath......" 

I cover my ears and take a deep breath then it starts fading. yeeeeeeeaaaah...... Hoorrrrrrrrrrrrray (as I can say such a thing.LOL)

Boss, I need sympathy not sermon. don't you see it man, life is against the rules of this company and the company itself is changing, so you can't trust it to remain stable and be a constant yourself. don't tell me it's another one of those loyalty test you are making up. Have anyone has ever told you that they are few who pass and who says I want to pass. I like the teacher and the boss so I want to see him again and again. 

Maybe not a proud one, but not scared to say:
"I love you ,man."

Reza




P.S: Lemon-like taste.... you know I like lemon. it's my favorite. It has a deep meaning. you put it in your mouth and for seconds it's heaven for minutes its bitterness is there. Maybe you do so in your everyday life. minutes of joy for a day of bitter. days for month and month for years. you can't even think about it. so don't eat lemon and leave it to me.


P.S2: I'm not sure if it has any relation with what I'm saying on top, but you may find it if you get serious.

It's really hard to let your dreams go, but it happens sometimes and there is no other way. Colorful dreams of yours are fading in the lust of your mind's air.

I tried hard, maybe not enough but it seems that there are some forces more powerful than me and they want me to do this way. I'm always looking for someone or something that has ruined this bridge so I can't cross but with my full heart I know that it's just excuses to my unsuccessfulness.  

Excuses like Mom, Dad and their desires and problems instead of mine. yes, excuses because they may hold me for some time but not that powerful to stop me or breaking that bridge.

But what is really a success and what is a lost? who knows, maybe I am too damned that I can't see anything. Like they say sometimes: " you should see the full-half of glass instead of empty-half.", but as i said I can't see the glass anymore and this confusion in more dangerous than the rest of the things.

while you have a purpose and your problem is that you haven't scored, you have a way to go and a bridge to cross. But how about you not losing the way, instead you have forgotten where you were headed. Add this to the disaster that you even don't know where you are.

It reminds me of an special situation in the Ninja world of Naruto, where you have been stuck in a Genjutsu of another ninja. The first way is to release chakra from your body to disturb the opponent's chakra and get out of the genjutsu. But if the opponents and its jutsu is greater  than yours then you have no other way to die if you are alone. 

The only possible way of being released from the genjutsu is that one of your comrades send their chakra into your body and disturb the enemy's jutsu.

There is still hope. There is always hope. so let's wait for the comrades' chakra flows.


Reza

There is no way I could understand what's going on. I'm pretty sure I'm feeling very well but at the same time I'm sure something's not right. That kind of understanding really hurts.

I wish I could be a forgotten dimwit that no one's looking for and at the same time I feel I need the world stops orbiting because of my gravity. I really hate paradox and I know that without it there is no moving forward.

why is so.... come to think of it, these past days are making me believe that there was no meaning in life in the first place and that's why he created love and that's where I hate to confess: " that I need love not some sentimental prison." I'm sure there would be conclusions like always but I really like to be clear in this....

what's the use of loving someone else, impossibly breakable while there is a perfect being and yes, again, at the same time I know with all my heart, how a descending creature could go back to its place without completely understanding a real love without making love with some descending one like himself.

I really like to care about all the stuff but that's not my type and let all those paradoxical things think that they could stuck you. For sure I'm flying in this birdless sky and that's................

WHAT an IMAGINATIVE MIND is for.  

Reza

I don't know why, but it has been like this long ago till now. When they pull you out of womb, all you do is to understand and find new things.

The start is putting everything in your mouth and then touching them. One is hot and the other is cold and sometimes it's soft. You know what, from the milky breast to sharp knife, cold water to furious oven.

You get bigger and you start watching and learning what the elders do. You find friends and you learn from them too. You are reading books now and it's just for fun and knowing more and more.

One day you came to this resolution that you have surpassed your parents, teachers and many other people. Maybe you get shocked or maybe snobbish. Or at least you may ask yourself: "So what? Why I went to hell of all that stuff." Maybe you think that's enough and maybe not. Who knows for real?

I have experienced a really special kind of feeling, something complex between sorrow, fun and pity. There are more to this but can't be described by me. It happened twice in my whole life.  

The first one happened when I was in 5^th grade of elementary school. Dad bought a book that has all the answers to the questions which the books in school were asking. Some kind of manual you can say. He starts admiring his chose and how great the book is.

The other day I have the book in my bag while I see our teacher tore the same book apart and send it to trash can. For a second my little heart stops beating as I remember how I was admiring the book earlier before the class starts. "Please don't tell the teacher I have the same book, please" my mind was appealing.

I never told dad about the incident as he asks about the usefulness of the book the next day. I know that the book would ruin all the stuff that our teacher wants our little minds to find. Think about it, you have the answer, so why using your brain.

Well as you see, it cured the brain in the same time it curses it with sorrow and sadness.

It's mother's turn now. She also bought a book in software learning category. Well a completely outdated one. You know, she was admiring herself for buying the big useful book so cheap.

Told myself not tell her and let those eyes of hers glaze like the sun and have that magic of success in them.

Hard to come to a result, don't you think. What do you say now? Is knowledge a cure or a curse? Why it's always the next generation that have to bear the burden and loneliness as they got arrogant and forget to listen to the experienced ones near them.

It's Cure or the Curse. Which one?? !

Reza is still confused. 

 

Well-known because of his existence… unseen … for generation to generation… everyone has made one for himself… without a moments of thinking what he really is, wants or asks … or is he something that can be real…or…we have made him. Well I really don’t know. But when too many of them different in kind, manner, model, shape and type…are out there, it makes you wonder which one is him or is he really there. The Number of the Gods in the World is More Than the Idols. And that's where the leaf falls and the whole universe tear apart. To the Almighty, Reza

They are king penguins warming up their chicks (the brown ones)....with this great colony, they could manage to make the next generation happen. the chicks can't control their heat for some time, so to make sure they will continue to live, they all, about 40000 people gathered in south Georgia the Falkland islands to do the job.

Good Luck.

Reza 

I don't remember the faces I'd Played but I remember the chessboard and the moves. I remember the warm voices I hear those days as my sister and brother but to be honest I don't know who they were.

I remember the elder girl who made a short time friendship with me. I remember running to her, calling her name loud, making her red in front of her friends. But I'd forgot the name and the face. I remember her soft hand on my shoulder calling my name: "reza, don't do this"

I remember playing chess and beating her with Scholar's mate* (She was awful in chess) and a Completed Scholar's mate with the help of two bishops. (I'd create it with my own creativity but I wasn't the first one though) I remember the others ridicule her for losing to a little 6 year old boy two times but she just laughed and passed by, make me remember her as a sincere friend now.

I wonder where she is now, is she married, is she a good mother and does she remember this little brother. I remember the great chances I'd lost. I remember my winnings, my little hands, my gutsy funny face during play.

there were one of those great moments I admire as being me. But why it is so? why i don't remember the details, I sometimes ask myself. The me that surprisingly I like and admire now. why they have gone so far............ so far

Reza

Is it really true? Have you heard anything about it. The message was quite clear. She was lost her virginity. What a shame, also ,he was thinking to himself. mmm...Impressive. He was dreaming the scene with one eye open the other semi-opened with a fainted smell that get through his head, when a passenger push the add button and suddenly appeared beside him.

Try to ignore her, he was telling himself, in which he could focus on the scene. Whether it was true or not he was enjoying it as the smell goes deep into and make him fainted. Or maybe it was the light that was fainting step by step. He doesn't know it really. You know, his mind was captured here.

what is a womb really. It's like this, You born and you came out from there, asking yourself what a big biggie world it is and for you the new - born - one (yeah I'm talking to you, you watching the monitor now, shut the hell up and don't say anything just listen) this is the biggie world and also there , as you know , was a biggie for your little friend that his head chopped off by the rulers of the inner world. he (the little friend i mean) thought that was a big one.

The astronomers say so about the whole universe, they are always bubbling that what they have found is a big one. but he, now with two eyes open, walking directly to the payload dream station of the past, doesn't think the biggie is what all the above are saying. His majesty sees the situation like this.

She lost her virginity not once as they say but twice. You came out from there and that's the key to start of the end. And that's where exactly she lost her virginity again,you know what i mean, where you die and come out from the womb again. Soon after that, You shocked by the new situation, could not go back and also you remember the oath you bubbled at the first day before You've been sent to the start point.

You have lost your cards, haven't you? You go through the hell and heaven to do the jobs and make them OK and all of that was just to go back to the start point. With the drops of shyness sweat on your forehead .

They played with you, didn't they? Send you to the womb with a memory loss of your oath and everything.hahahaha...uuuhahahhah.....funny yeah. you come out from the womb wandering around, think you find the way and purpose. At last you come out from the womb again, the womb that is the world you were wandering in, my ,they played with you,didn't they?

He woke up insulting himself..... what nonsense his mind was going through the dream at the end of the payload dream station. Still doesn't know, was it the Light or him that goes fainted.

Well how could he know, he was shocked and he was out of the womb looking at a similar face looking at him with a semi - chopped - off - head and a siren that was going far and away.

Suddenly He remembered the oath and I couldn't hear anything more nor remember the oath.She was lost her virginity. What a shame, also ,he was thinking to himself and now he was part of the scene dreaming moments ago. It was all just an eternal doom.


Typed by : The Child Inside Looking for a new body after the accident